Getting back to books

When I looked back at the end of last year at how many books I’d read and realised it was only 18 for the whole of 2015, I was not best pleased (understatement.) Therefore over Christmas and New Year I resolved to do-something-about-that and set an achievable target of spending one hour at least four days a week in our designated reading chair in the bedroom. Largely to get my arse away from the sofa and from extended mindless hours in front of nothing in particular on the telly-box, which was the default evening routine most days. Also to try and re-engage more fully with written words (the evening telly-box mindlessness had spilled over into reading, courtesy of mindless social media scrolling and therefore he norm had become disengaged reading, not just online but of anything really.) A sad state of affairs.

A few days into the-great-intentional-reading of 2016 Mr I joined me so the TV now goes off in the early evening, unless there is a specific programme to watch. And reading does not have to leave the sofa. Happily by the end of March I have read nearly as many books as I did in the whole of last year.

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Early on in 2016 I read three books:

Coming Clean by Seth Haines

The Listening Life by Adam McHugh

Pray, Write and Grow by Ed Cyzewski

All three books spoke loudly and clearly into the drought that I knew I was experiencing because of disengaged reading, namely that I needed to pay attention more closely to what I read (whatever the book or genre.)

Coming Clean was the book I finished just prior to the start of Lent and this also encouraged me to enter into intentional forgiveness during the Lent period. Sitting for a while each day as often as possible with God in front of a list of people who enter my head space for all the wrong reasons, where scenarios play out over and again, or heckles rise and stay that way for longer than is healthy.

I was encouraged after a few days of sitting and praying with the list, that head space residence started to subside in some situations. There are after all some people you have to interact with like it or not. Therefore practising forgiveness as a regular thing, rather than waiting for an offence to occur took some of the wind out of stewing on situations or time spent working through them.

Naturally being the flawed human that I am, meant that once I was on a roll with the forgiveness thing, I found reasons not to practice each day (yes I’ve done the work, it feels good so let’s trundle on with that for now.) 

We then we heard of a couple of deaths during the Lent period, one of which was particularly tragic and winded us both somewhat. Of course that is the very time when drawing close to God in any capacity is a good idea rather than bolting off finding things to ‘do’ to try and forget about the pain (chocolate, trash TV, trash Social Media for starters.) But on the other hand I know God hears our grief expressed as inner groans; it doesn't feel like the articulation of 'conventional' prayer, but these are often the deepest, heartfelt and most honest cries from our souls.

After this mid-Lent hiatus from the forgiveness practise I found that the persons on the list were beginning to invade my head space again and not only that, it felt like a pile on. A big, fat signal if ever there were one, that I needed to get back on track with the work of forgiveness. 

So I will be sticking with this beyond Lent, quiet before God, praying forgiveness over the list and listening to what God is saying in the quiet.

The journey goes on and I have yet to get out of the habit of mindless Social Media scrolling in the margins when I'm tired or bored. I have moved some of the people I follow on Twitter onto lists; I am interested in what they have to say and maybe dip in to the lists up to a couple of times a day, but it helps me take control over the choice to look at associated conversations, discussions, rows which are for me a MAJOR distraction and often an unhelpful trigger for 'all the feels', which in themselves can lead to depressive episodes.

I'm so thankful for the encouragement I found in the three books above and that God opened my ears to what He is saying through them.

(And of course it goes without saying that the reading goes on regardless)

the rope

This week has been difficult

more down than up

watching my little brother come to terms with treatment for illness and all-the-things that go with it

the heaviness of wondering whether daughter is OK

the tiredness of a daily commute that leaves me with sharp teeth that bite those I love best

the weird dances that introverts do with new work colleagues 

the work itself that has systems that are left patchily wanting

the pecking order that leaves temps as the needed but unwanted at the bottom of the heap

the meetings that you hope will refresh and revive but end up going in circles where the old, familiar and gregarious do the talking

the forgetting to pray for those who I have said I will pray for

and hanging on to the end of a rope that is fraying.


In and between all these things You are constant, noiseless, silent yet blessing, in the same way that You have been patiently shaping those You love for a thousand ages.


Reaching down for our hand to help us back up

healing in ways beyond our understanding

carrying our load with us

renewing our strength when it fails and enabling the antiseptic of forgiveness to soothe bite wounds

ensuring that people know they matter even when social and psychological systems shout otherwise

equipping us with knowledge to work out missing parts

making the last first and the first last. 

Kingdom come.


Refreshing and restoring us in unexpected ways; vibrantly colouring nature's landscape and  elevating the every day ordinary to extraordinary if we choose to be captivated with hearts and  eyes

never forgetting and always forgiving us first

mending the rope

washing away the dirt

untangling the knots

and reeling us in when we don't have the will and strength to come to You.


Who alone could save themselves
Their own soul could heal
Our shame was deeper than the sea
Your grace is deeper still

You O Lord have made a way
The great divide you heal
For when our hearts were far away
Your love went further still
(O yes) Your love goes further still

to forgiveness and beyond

I was reading a blogpost on forgiveness late last night so went off to sleep mulling it over. How we often need to forgive someone over and over because the pain of something keeps coming back and our minds default back to the original position. We seem to get stuck in a cycle and unable to break out of the need to forgive again and again.

Instances where the Scotsman and I have been in hurtful situations involving the same people meandered in and out. He seems to be good at processing these sorts of things and for him often the forgiveness is done quickly and underlined with a solid line. But I find things pop out of the woodwork unexpectedly like unwelcome house guests every now and again, stirring up old feelings. Sometimes from a decade or two ago.

photo credit: david nikonvscanon

When I tell the Scotsman he patiently reminds me of the need to let go again and forgive again. Even if he doesn’t roll his eyes in front of me, I swear I can hear them rolling! It is right to keep on forgiving, but often it just feels hard, messy and never ending.

So why when it is the same initial situation on the surface do the two of us react so differently?

Does it mean that I am more of a sinner and need to forgive more?

Does it mean that because the Scotsman has let go more easily, he is right and I am wrong?

Actually

The very last time I was ‘dealing’ with some of these feelings, again, immediately afterwards I spoke to my son on the phone. During the conversation he told me he was proud of me (you know a bam, significant, treasure-in-your-heart moment) and right in that space God was saying ‘This is what matters, not that.’ (And it's not the first time God has stepped in to whisper that very thing over the cacophony of anger and email shouting).

And actually no it doesn't happen like this every time. That would be way too neat, formulaic. Most of the time there is something of an undignified long distance see-saw going on. Let the weight go, take some of it back, forth and back. 

But for the times when my ears are unblocked long enough to hear, it is beyond clear 

this is what matters

He knows my struggles, my feeble attempts to forgive and the polite insistence of taking back weight and pain, to try and nurse it my own way. And yet He loves me. 

He knows the things I don’t know, the riddled hollows in a wooden, unforgiving heart and the gaps that need filling.

And those whispers will come from the unexpected people and places. They come and find me right there in the holes.

Oh yes, they will come

Those echoes of mercy and whispers of love, actually

#lentphotos - 21 - help

This great book was first published in 1997 and I hope the photo here reflects that it is a well worn text.  There have been times when the book has literally been a lifesaver, more than help really.  My favourite two chapters are: 6) I was meant to party with my enemies and 7) The kiss of God.  They are places where many tears have been shed and God has whispered time and again 'I love You.'

The two chapters are on forgiveness.  I recently tried to write a post for the #God52 challenge of Peacemakers (go out of your way to bring peace to a situation) but in the end felt I could not publish it publicly for a number of reasons, although it certainly helped to write it.  The two chapters focus on how we as human beings hurt each other, with or without intention and describes the effects of what happens when hurt is nursed and not forgiven, particularly in church situations.  An ugly picture.

The Scotsman was in church ministry for over 20 years until recently and although our experiences were by no means unique, there have been difficult times, most especially the instances where people refused to forgive each other and the accompanying fallback that inevitably landed on the minister's list of things to resolve. 

There were times that I read this book more than the bible and talking to God because pain was so deep I couldn't do anything else. Chapter 7 quotes twice from the all too short hymn 'Here is love' :

On the mount of crucifixion
Fountains opened deep and wide
Through the floodgates of God's mercy
Flowed a vast and gracious tide
Grace and love like mighty rivers
Flowed incessant from above
And heaven's peace and perfect justice
Kissed a guilty world in love

This is the essence of Jesus' words and help to the thief in Luke 23 who was crucified with him. Too good not to take.